Tag Archive | death

Book Review of “When I Married My Mother: A Daughter’s Search for What Really Matters – And How She Found It Caring for Mama Jo” by Jo Maeder

When I Married My Mother: A Daughter's Search for What Really Matters - And How She Found It Caring for Mama JoWhen I Married My Mother: A Daughter’s Search for What Really Matters – And How She Found It Caring for Mama Jo by Jo Maeder
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Reading this book this time of year with my dad’s birthday last week and the fourth anniversary of my mom’s death as our caregiving/receiving journey together ended was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had.
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Remembering What Would Have Been My Parents’ 60th Wedding Anniversary

mama-daddy-wedding-announcementSixty years ago today at 4 p.m. in Unaka Avenue Baptist Church in Johnson City, Tennessee, my parents, Ned Moses Ross and Muriel June Foster, in front of a few family and friends, took their vows of marriage to each other, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived.

Although neither of them on that day could have imagined how their lives together would unfold, testing along the way the strength of the unconditional commitment they made to each other, my daddy and my mama were lovingly faithful throughout their union to their promise before God and their promise to each other.
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Book Review of “Bad Pharma: How Drug Companies Mislead Doctors and Harm Patients” – Ben Goldacre

Bad Pharma: How Drug Companies Mislead Doctors and Harm Patients by Ben GoldacreBad Pharma: How Drug Companies Mislead Doctors and Harm Patients by Ben Goldacre (a physician in the United Kingdom) should be on everyone’s reading list.

While I have been more acutely aware for quite some time of the areas of misleading and harm that Goldacre spotlights in this book because of my own experience as the medical advocate and primary caregiver for one of my parents and my subsequent extensive research into Big Pharma, Goldacre digs into the details and presents scary and compelling evidence of the total corruption in the industry. Continue reading

Polypharmacy: A Dangerous and Potentially-Fatal Threat to Seniors

Polypharmacy poses dangerous and potentially-fatal risks to seniorsSenior citizens, including our loved ones with dementias and Alzheimer’s Disease, are an especially vulnerable part of the human population to the dangerous – and potentially deadly – risks of drug interactions associated with polypharmacy (coexisting multiple prescription medications/supplements/over-the-counter medications use). Continue reading

The Memories Never Die

Mama November 2011Mama has been everywhere on my mind the last few days and I realized that her birthday is coming up this Wednesday – March 2 – or Thursday – March 3 – depending on whether the date on her handwritten birth certificate is correct or the date that Social Security had listed for her is correct.

Growing up, Mama’s birthday was always March 2. A part of me still sees that date as her legitimate birthday. It wasn’t until I started in the role of her medical power of attorney (several years before dementias came to stay) that I became aware that the government had her birthday as March 3 and I memorized that date as part of the litany of information I had to give to medical providers, insurance companies, and pharmacies each time we interacted with them. Continue reading

Grief

Grief is unique and the grieving process is different for everyoneRecently in one of my caregivers’ support groups, I was asked by of the members if I could give her recommendations on books she could read on how to cope with/get over the intense grief she is still experiencing several months after the death of her grandmother (who had dementia).

My response was that I didn’t know that a book would help her because grief  and the grieving process is unique to each of us, especially in the case of dementias because we lose our loved ones with dementias and Alzheimer’s twice: first while they’re still living and then again when they die.

Grief is sometimes very complicated. We all grieve differently, based on our relationships, our personalities, our temperaments, and our experiences in life.

The reality is that no two people ever grieve exactly the same way.

And this is one of those areas of life where people can cause a lot of irreparable damage – and layer even more pain on top of the pain of grieving – by imposing their ideas about grieving (how long, how much, how deeply, etc.) onto those grieving in the form of criticism for and impatience with the process as it unfolds.

None of us can get inside the grief of another human being. We’re not them. We haven’t walked in their shoes. We don’t know everything about them and we don’t know everything they know.

To assume that we do and to turn those assumptions into lectures about how we have been where they have been and we know what they’re going through and we know they’re not “doing it” right is the height of ignorance and arrogance.

Having had several friends in the last couple of months lose a parent and walking through the valley of the shadow of impending death with someone else who is losing a parent right now has brought the grieving process, which I’m still in to one degree or another with both of my parents, and its winding road that it is continuing to carve out in my life, back to the forefront of my mind.

The reality is that grief never really leaves us (it changes over time and it changes us over time, but it also comes right back in full force at you in the oddest moments even after a lot of time has passed).

In the end, grief is the price of love. It’s a high price, but I know that none of us would ever choose not to pay it.

I can’t imagine not having ever had my parents in my life, so even though their deaths have left gaping, sometimes acutely oozing, sometimes intensely aching holes in my heart that will never be repaired in this life, having them both for as long as I was blessed to have them makes this worth it.

Even in those moments when the pain is so strong that I can’t remember it for that instance.

So, for all of us who are somewhere on that continuum of the grieving process, know that grief after death means we loved in life. It doesn’t have a playbook nor does it have a time limit. It will get easier to do over time, but it will be a constant companion for the rest of our lives. 

And, when it’s all said and done, that is a very, very good thing. Never forget that.

Remembering Mama – August 14, 2015

Mama November 2011Three years ago today at 5:50 pm, my mama’s journey through dementias, Alzheimer’s Disease, and congestive heart failure ended.

With Mama’s death, like my daddy’s death almost 17 years ago, each anniversary seems like yesterday and forever at the same time.

But I’m thankful for the memories to help me try to cope with the permanent voids of their losses in my heart and in my life and I’m thankful for the hope that I’ll see them again whole and healed. 

I promised you and Daddy both that I’d be there. God’s willing and so am I. So even on the days when it feels like life is just unbearable torment I continue to put one foot in front of the other with God’s help, enduring, persevering, and continuing to grow in that faith and walking toward fulfilling that promise, even if it doesn’t look like it and nobody else can tell.

But you, Mama, and Daddy would know if you were here and you’ll know when I’m there. That’s often the only comfort I have these days. And maybe that’s all I need when I can see that comfort through the pain. I know it’s worth it because I watched you and Daddy and I learned from both of you.

So I’m remembering you publicly today, Mama, just like I do privately every day of my life. I love you. I’ll see you soon.